One perspective-how much should a parent protect a child?
Mr. Wilkoff,
Thanks for giving it another try. Hope you get some good responses.
“How much should parents “protect” their children?”
You’re right. That question can be taken in many different ways, and it’s hard to even decide how to go about answering it. Protecting can take many forms and shapes.
The words “how much” beg for a quantified response—10%, 5 times out of 10, all the time, but none of these are appropriate. I personally feel that it is my job to protect my children until they leave my house and in many different capacities throughout their lives. One example would be when they are going to cause physical harm to themselves. Of course, the voluntary pain that children (especially boys) choose to inflict upon themselves in the name of “sports” is a whole different discussion. But when they’re much younger, what parent wouldn’t protect his or her child when they reach for that outlet with their outstretched finger? When kids are younger, there are so many opportunities for them to be physically hurt, from playgrounds to trees to stairs, and a parent does a lot of guarding or protecting during those early years.
As they grow, the protecting changes form. Parents tend to allow their child a certain amount of independence (and it’s very interesting to see the HUGE range of leeway that parents deem appropriate.) That’s where logical consequences come in. I let them learn the natural consequences of their behavior and choices as much as I can while the stakes (risks) are still low. As they get into the middle and upper elementary years, emotional pain is another element that you have to guard against. Also, when kids are 10-11 and older a parent has to really be diligent about protecting them against other adults in the world who are sick and could be out to seriously harm them. I’ve repeately spoken to my children about “strangers,” who they really are, and what they may look like, but I can’t be with them 24/7 and overprotect them either because I believe that can turn them into fearful, paranoid, stressed out members of society. And if they’re that way as kids, what will they be like as adults?
So, as with most things in life, parenting and protecting requires balance. I think the best answer is not too much and not too little. Even older kids need boundaries, to know what is acceptable or not, and to know that parents will be there for them to fall back on. But what that “amounts” to I can’t exactly say. When stakes are higher, parents need to trust their kids enough to choose true friends, and in general give them room to make their own decisions but hope that the teaching and training that they’ve done all those years will pay off because as in the case with drugs, drinking, etc., the stakes could possibly be their life.
I certainly believe in protecting my children from physical danger as best I can. I also feel strongly about protecting them from bad influences from the world—violent and graphic movies, TV, video games, sexually inappropriate content. Nowadays, our society values external appearances, material wealth, and financial success. They also look up to athletes who make millions of dollars and celebrities who aren’t good role models for our kids. So I see my job as protecting them by counterbalancing those negative influences with good, decent, positive examples from me and other productive adults as well as limiting exposure to these negative influences. Hopefully, by instilling in my children strong morals and beliefs I am in many ways “protecting” them from potentially dangerous situations and relationships.
I would venture to say that every parent would agree that it’s one of their natural roles to protect their children; it’s just a matter of deciding when to get involved and when not to. There needs to be a balance between trusting in the child and the foundation that’s been laid and being a helicopter and rescuing them from harm.
January 23rd, 2007 at 12:07 pm
[...] I just read this Discovery guest blog, and decided to write about it. I like the fact that parents love their kids enough to try to protect them, but we still need some breathing space! Don’t get me wrong, i love spending time with my family and love them, but every once in awhile I like to do my own thing. My parents personally let me hang out with friends and go to the mall by myself and stuff, but I remember the days when they had to go to the mall with me, hold my hand when I crossed the street, and screen the movies before I watched. The question is, do they still protect me too much? Sometimes I think they protect me too much, but sometimes i appreciate it. But really, when my mom still tries to take my hand when I cross the street, I blush and stick my hands in my pockets. It’s a sweet thought, but really, can i, as a 13 year old in MIDDLE SCHOOL, really be seen holding my mother’s hand? I think not! And I never want her to know that because I really do like her. When my parents said they didn’t want me to go on a ski trip because we were going in “unsafe” buses up in the mountains, I got really angry. now I kind of understand where they were going, but it still really annoys me when they try to go on trips with me…even if it’s just over the weekend! they always want to chaparone and stuff. I like it every now and then, but when they’re constantly peeking over my shoulder…well, it gets a little tense. But I guess when i’m older and I have kids, I’ll understand where they got this over-protectivness from, why they wanted to spend every moment with me. I’m just wondering what my kids will think of me! [...]
January 23rd, 2007 at 12:22 pm
[...] On the guest blogs for this week, the question was posed to parents: How much should a parent “protect” their child. This got me to thinking about the 2 types of parents: Those who are super control freaks and hold onto their kids ridiculously tight, and the kind of parent that will let their children learn from their own mistakes and let them make them, rather then shielding them from it. For me, my parents are the first kind, and having to deal with that for 13 years, I would prefer the second. Now, I am NOT saying that parents should let their kinds do whatever they want (Though that would be nice), but they should let their kids have some leeway and learn from their faults. If you never fall, how will you know how to get up,right? It is ridiculous to think that you can shield your child from everything in the world that might cause them some harm, and yet, that is the way my family is. They are so overprotective and controlling, that it get boring after awhile and you just start to say ” you know what, screw this” and that creates rebellion and lost respect between parent and child. You end up not caring what they have to say. If you are not protecting your child, then you are not doing your job as a parent, but you end up driving your kids away if you are stubborn and won’t let them go after a certain point. and the thing with a certain set of parents that I have known for a very long time is that their policies and what they believe is right is so old and just doesn’t apply in today’s youth society, and yet they are not open to any other idea, never consider for an inkling of a moment that there is a possibility that they are wrong, that the kid might be right, considering that he is out there in modern culture,knowing what is going on NOW, not when they were kids, while they watch CNN 24/7. Honestly, after awhile, I don’t care how your teen years were, how you had to grow up, I am more concerned with what is going on now, and you should be to. How people look, dress, act, and everything else is not the same as 1976, and they need to understand that. They need to realize that the world has moved on, they need to catch up, and the crap they give about when they were kids DEOSN’T APPLY ANYMORE! I think it is great that you have all this lifelong experience, but some of it deosn’t hold up in the real world people! So, to answer the title question, I think they shold let their kids make their own mistakes, because your kids experience is going to be differnet then yours, so you can’t try to force these things on them, because it just won’t make sense. So, if you are one of those parents (or people )that I described, stop living in the past and try to catch up to a world that has apparently passed you right on by. [...]